It’s been one of those days guys.
My five month old was a disaster through the night.. I think I got maybe three hours of sleep? My first child was a pro at sleeping through the night by 8 weeks old other than times of sickness, teething, or growth spurts. I was spoiled by that!
Around 7:30am ,when Jesse finally fell back to sleep after being awake yet again, I heard Honor wake up… so I dragged my tired body out of bed and slowly made my way to her bedroom. She didn’t say her normal “good morning mommy!” In her sweet little smiley way that she usually greets me, so immediately I knew that she had woken up crabby too.
-Starting to feel anxious.
I got some breakfast around while Jesse finally slept peacefully (go figure) and then Honor started begging me to make a fort. Her repetitive plea started to become foggy in my head as I looked around at my already messy house.. full of boxes being packed for our move at the end of August, toys strewn about, two baskets of unfolded laundry, opened mail (or should I say bills) needing to be paid on the kitchen counter, and was that old crusty food on Honor’s play table?? I tried to take a deep breath and calm down my building anxiety. I looked at Honor who was still repeating the same question of “can we built a fort mommy?” And I replied by asking if it were ok if we built a smaller fort than usual, one that maybe won’t take up the whole living room? At first she wasn’t thrilled about this idea, but as I started pulling out blankets and covering her little play table for her to go under she began to get a creeping smile across her little face.
Well… that smile did not last long because the second she went under there she slammed her head into the top of the table and the screaming began. I should’ve just build her the dang bigger fort that took over the living room.
Moments later Jesse awoke screaming.
It was only 10:00am and already I felt that feeling of failure tormenting my mind. I gave in and turned the TV on for Honor so I could tend to Jesse. When I came back out to the living room Honor quickly let me know that I chose the wrong TV show and she didn’t want that one! I then changed it three more times and she still wasn’t satisfied.
I decided we all needed to get out of the house. I packed everyone up and decided to go to Target and do some retail therapy shopping! I got myself a Dunkin coffee and headed to the store all while Honor was telling me that she didn’t want to go to Target. We arrived and almost immediately upon entering Honor was asking to go home. I told her to just let me get a couple clothing items for her and her brother and then we can go. Jesse started crying and I was trying to give him his pacifier every couple of minutes to get him to calm down.
-My anxiety is so bad I feel like crying.
I finally get Jesse to calm down and fall asleep and I’m deep into shopping mode then my sweet little Honor says, “mommy, I have to go potty…” ughhh… part of me was thrilled that she told me in public that she had to go, and part of me was thinking seriously??? You just went before we left the house! I calmly said “ok, honey, we’ll go find the potty.” And I proceeded to take my full cart all the way back to the front of the store take both kids out of it and into the bathroom, helped her go potty, loaded them back into the cart, and finished up shopping. Which only was about five more minutes because Honor was whining terribly and kept repeating “I just wanna go hooooommmeee.” So I said, “ok Honey, let’s go home.” Can you tell she just wasn’t in the mood for shopping?
We get to the checkout line and Honor wants a sticker. I told her to ask nicely (which she did) and the cashier gave her a sticker. Aaaah a moment of silence from both kiddos while walking out to the car. I got Jesse in the car then pushed the cart over to the other side of the car to put Honor in. She then said to me “mommy I don’t want my sticker anymore.” So I said “ok, honey.” And I took it and threw it into a garbage bag I had in the car. Five second later Honor starts screaming, waking Jesse up and causing him to start screaming as well. I asked her why she was crying to which she replied. “I WANT MY STICKER!!!!!”
-Anxiety making me feel like my head is exploding.
In my frustration I told her no, that she has to learn that when she says she doesn’t want something like that anymore, that means I’m going to throw it away. The screaming ensued.
I took the kiddos home and got them fed and ready for naps. Honor started getting really snappy with me and being impolite so I made her sit in time out. Usually I make her sit in a chair in her bedroom until I can come talk to her. When I went in I found her like this
She told me she made a little house for herself to take time out in.. 😝 I couldn’t help but laugh, which then turned into this picture..
-Anxiety eased a bit.
After our laugh and chat about why we need to be polite, I told Honor it was time to use the potty and get ready for nap. She protested a little, but then decided to listen. I kindly asked her to sit on the potty a little longer after she did number one because she alwaaaayyyyysss does number two in her pull up minutes after I put her down for a nap.. she has gone on the potty a few times, but doesn’t like to, so I’ve been making her sit a little longer right before nap time which makes her very upset. She started screaming at me. “I DONT HAVE TO GO!!!” Which woke Jesse up and again he began crying.
-Anxiety building again. Bad thoughts entering in. Am I even a good mother? Why are my kids so miserable today?
I told her that if she did her poop on the potty then we could read extra books before nap time! She yelled “I don’t want to read any books!!!” So I said “ok then” and took her off the potty, and put her to bed without reading any books. More crying began because of course she actually DID want to read books. I told her that if she would have just talked to me nicely than we could’ve read together. Then I told her to have a wonderful nap, and that I loved her, and I left the room. She actually stopped crying pretty quickly to my surprise and started playing with her stuffed animals in the crib. So I let her be. Five minutes later… “Mommy I pooped my pants!!!” 😑 I got her changed and then at some point during that chaos I gave Jesse his pacifier and he had fallen back to sleep. So both kids were in their rooms and I had a moment alone.
-Anxiety lifting a little.
Then I decided to take a shower to try and relax and have some me time. Literally, three minutes after I got in I hear Jesse crying on the monitor.
-Anxiety back full force.
So I rushed as fast as I could to get out of the shower. His crying was getting intense as I wrapped up in a towel, so I ran out of the bathroom soaking wet and freezing to go get him. I hugged him close and he settled, but I had to put him back down for a few minutes on our bed so I could get dressed. I’ll tell ya… he was not having that.
I hurried to get dressed and then began to feed him. He is a comfort nurser so he calmed down immediately, but he must not have actually been hungry because five minutes later he unlatched and puked all over my freshly showered self and my freshly washed bed sheets. Really??
I put him down so I could get cleaned up which brought on some more serious crying from my little man. I think he had a belly ache because he laid there screaming, did a big, noisy poop, cried a little harder, then just totally passed out sleeping. Poor exhausted little guy.
After he fell asleep my anxiety told me to get up and clean, or pack some more things, or google “how to get my kid to poop on the potty”, or maybe read one of my many parenting books because today I felt like I failed.
-But I told my anxiety No.
I decided to sit next to my adorable sleeping child, and blog about my day, because even though my day has not exactly been a fun one to blog about, writing about it helps me relax and reflect on the good moments too.
Anxiety wanted me to focus on everything that went wrong about today and every difficult moment. I could have just stopped my post about my day here and led myself to believe that today was just no good. Instead I decided to be vulnerable about how anxiety paints my day, but forced myself to see the good moments of today, however small they may have been.
I thought about Honor and I having a pretend picnic this morning before the whining really began, I thought about Jesse rolling from his back to his belly and how proud I am of how far he has come since beginning physical therapy for his torticollis. I thought about Honor singing twinkle twinkle little star in Target and how she made at least five people smile and sing along with her. I thought about the other mom I saw in target with her two girls, probably ages four and six, whining about wanting to go to the toy section, meanwhile my baby was crying and Honor was whining to go home. We exchanged sympathetic glances to one another and smiled. We didn’t have to say anything at all. That simple moment made me feel so much more at ease just knowing I wasn’t alone. I thought about how Honor whispered “I love you mommy” on the way home from target, even though I didn’t give her sticker back to her. I thought about doing puzzles with Honor when we got home, and I thought about how I had the hiccups while feeding Jesse tonight and that is was making him laugh. 🙂
– I began to feel anxiety fading.
I struggle with anxiety. It isn’t severe, but it’s there. Always lingering trying to take ahold of me and ruin my day. Parts of today I let anxiety win, I said yes to it and let it take over my mood and my mind, and even didn’t do certain things because of it, but ultimately I chose to say no. When I could’ve gave up and let it continue to make my stomach sick and my head hurt, I said no, and I chose to change my thinking and reflect on the good of today.
I’m so thankful that I have two wonderful, healthy, and USUALLY happy kiddos.. I’m so thankful to be alive, and so thankful for every moment I get to spend with them even when I feel like I’m falling apart.
Anxiety is something I live with every day. It’s something I pray about constantly, and it’s something I have to fight to “let go and let God.” For me, I’ve found that just taking whatever moment I can, to stop and be grateful for the numerous amount of things that I have to be thankful for, totally calms my nerves and helps me relax, and writing things out has always been a huge stress reliever for me as well.
Life can be totally crazy sometimes, and being a parent isn’t always a sunny walk through the park, but there is always good. Even on “one of those days” there is always good and always things to be thankful for.
This day really was not a bad one. My anxiety tried to tell me that it was terrible, but it wasn’t! It was just one of those days.. where things are a little more tough then usual, but you know what? Tomorrow is a brand new day.
Tonight my husband was able to come home early from work and now he’s doing puzzles with Honor and working on learning letters with her, and my heart feels full. We have great friends coming over for dinner and I feel so happy and thankful for this day.. 🙂